


Caring Ain't Love

by never_wake_up



Category: The Outsiders (1983), The Outsiders - All Media Types, The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Letters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-17 05:51:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5856610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/never_wake_up/pseuds/never_wake_up
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Letters written to express how they really feel, what they want to say. Letters written to someone who will listen. Feedback appreciated, ideas and suggestions welcomed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Caring Ain't Love

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is also post on fanfiction.net. I would love suggestions and ideas for more chapters. Feedback and criticism are welcomed and appreciated.

Hey it's Johnny.

I'm sleeping in the lot tonight because, as usual, my folks are fighting again. Ponyboy just left. He's gonna be in some serious trouble with Darry for coming home so late, it ain't his fault though, he fell asleep! I know Darry will be yelling something fierce, but Pony is lucky Darry care so much. My parents couldn't care less where I am, or what I'm doing or who I'm hanging around with. I bet they don't care at all. Pony says I got the gang that cares and I love them boys to bits, but that ain't the same as family, my own flesh and blood, even if I don't love them, just care. I don't understand why I care so much when the only family I got is lousy. It's almost like my folks aren't even around most of the time. I mean shoot, my mom drinks so much she can't even see straight and my old man, if he even recognizes me, beats the tar out of me or cusses me out. Love is caring, but caring sure ain't love. Either my own folks don't love me or they're too wasted and strung out to show it. Glory, I really hope they do. But if they did care, you'd think they'd sober up for me! I hang out with the boys to get away from my damned home life, but I always keep on stumbling back, because I care about them and maybe, just to have parents, I guess. I am grateful to still have my folks, honest. I know how much Pony misses his, but I guess I just wish they were normal people, not hammered and doped up all the time, ya' know? I want to love them, but I can't, I can only care. Sometimes I like to think what it would be like if they weren't so messed, instead of fighting they kiss each other on the cheek and ask how each other's day was. My father and I would play football in the backyard and talk about cars while mom sat and watched, smiling. Lord, I can't remember the last time one of them smiled, like a real genuine smile. I would give anything for them to be normal and happy. Or if they could clean up for one day, just one day, and show me they care just a little, and maybe even love me. Because I care, and I matter too, don't I? I know my parents don't have to love me, I sure know I don't got to love them, but hell, I wish it were different. I care, I care a lot, but ain't they obligated to care too? Don't you think they ought to care? What reason do they have not to love me? I have plenty of reasons to not love them, to hate them even, but you know what, I do, I do love them. I do because they are my family, I don't got to but I do. What kind of life would I have if I hated my folks? I guess not much would change because they don't provide for me or nothing now. Hate ruins people, hate ruined my parents, but I sure as hell won't let it ruin me.

Your Buddy,

Johnny Cade


	2. You'd Listen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After much thought, here is another installment. I'm not sure how I feel about this letter, so feedback would be greatly appreciated. Also, I want to thank AlongTheBinding from ff.net for providing me with so many great ideas, which I plan to use in future letters and to structure this whole thing. So thank you!

Hey,

Pony and Darry are going at again, this has got to be the third time this week. Pony's got a big ole' track meet this weekend, but Darry won't get off his back 'bout studying for some English test. Lord, and you better believe Pony gave it right back to him. At least this time I wasn't asked to side with neither of 'em. I hate that. Having to choose who's right and who ain't, especially between my brothers. Quite frankly, I'm getting real sick of it. Do they not notice that I don't wanna take no sides? Or that I don't think neither of them is right? Hell, they don't listen anyway. They're too caught up tryin' to get underneath each other's skin. Just the other day, I was fixing on telling Darry 'bout this tuff Mustang Steve and me have been fixing up down at the DX, and he don't even listen to the first two words before he's hollering at Ponyboy again. Darry needs to lay off Pony, but Pony needs to understand that Darry ain't superman, though he may act like it. But I am tired of being overlooked. How come Darry don't pressure me to do good? It's almost like he can't see me. I want him to holler at me when I screw up, and tell me I'm not working enough hours down at the DX, and to stop staying out so late. Goddamn, I just want him to acknowledge me! Why doesn't he listen to me? Why doesn't Pony ask if I'm okay?

Pony sees me, sees right through me, missing everything in the middle. He's always asking me for advice, but every time I'm fixing to go and talk to him, I get pushed aside. Pony, he's a smart kid, smarter than I'll every be, so can't he see that I am dying inside? That every time him and Darry yank me between 'em I can't stand lookin' at neither of them? I know that they're hurting because of mom and dad, but hell, I'm hurting too. I comfort Pony when he gets his nightmares; I quit school to pay the bills with Darry, so why am I forced to hurt all by my lonesome? Ain't they concerned why I am so quiet? Why I spend so much time at the gas station? Because being at home hurts too much. Sometimes it feels like I just can't take it anymore.

There is only one person in this wide world that understands me and listens to what I got to say; Sandy. Shoot, one time, Sandy stayed up all night with me, just listening to me goin' off about Darry and Pony and missing my folks. And she just sat there, running her hands through my hair, telling me that everything will turn out alright in the end. Sandy's got this crazy way of making everything seem like it's gonna be alright. I love her. I love her so much. I once tried telling Darry 'bout how much I loved Sandy, but he must've been too busy thinkin' about bills and roofing, because he didn't hear I word I got to say. I guess paying the bills and keeping me and Ponyboy is more important than my loving Sandy. I guess there are a lot of things more important than what I got to say…It ain't fair. I shouldn't have to keep it all bottled up inside me like this. Maybe I could tell you all about Sandy and my folks sometime, you'd listen. Right?

Wishing you the best,

Sodapop Curtis


	3. Not Even Cherry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently open to suggestions for future letters, and I always love and appreciate feedback and criticism.

I can't believe myself.

Its just really been eating at me lately, and I feel almost…guilty. He didn't deserve that. And for me to just lead him on like that, that wasn't right of me. What would Cherry think if I gave him my real phone number? Glory, I have Randy! I can't go around giving other boys my number, let alone a greaser. He and I could never work. I wouldn't even be able to tell the girls his name without them laughing. Two-Bit. Gosh, he sure was funny. I wish Randy could make me laugh like that.

If I told you something, would you promise not to tell a living soul? The truth is, I'm not sure why I told Randy I wanted to go steady. It was Cherry who set us up. Once she became Bob's girl, she got so popular in school, getting invited to all kinds of parties, and driving around in Bob's nice car. She told me that Bob had a good friend and she thought that we'd hit it off just fine. So Bob and his friend, Randy, picked up Cherry and me and brought us to the Nightly Double, Randy even paid. I liked him okay. After every time we'd spend time together, Cherry would call me up on the phone and say things like "Isn't he a catch?" or "See? I told you you'd really like him!" It seemed like she wanted us to be together more than I did.

When Randy finally asked me to be his girl, I said yes. I said yes because I didn't want to disappoint Cherry, nor hurt Randy. Besides, Randy digs okay, even if he does kiss a little too rough. I started to really like it after some time. He takes me to all the dances, and he brings me home to have dinner with his parents. Randy even told me he loved me, I told him I did too. I thought everything was going real swell until last week.

Randy's buddy was having a big ole' party while his folks were out of town and Cherry and Bob were going. Randy picked me up in his Mustang. He was wearing too much cologne and I could tell he had already been drinking. I didn't ask if he was okay, I know it had something to do with his father and not being good enough. Last time I asked he got angry with me.

Cherry and Bob left the party early and that left me with no one to talk to really, on account of Randy always talking to his buddies. I went to go find Randy to ask him to take me home. He was blasted drunk, he could barely walk. That made me mad. I hate being around him when he's drunk, and he knows it. I told him that I could drive. When we got in his car he asked me if I loved him. And you know what I told him? "No. Right now Randy, I do not love you." And that's when he snapped.

He told me that he was only dating me to make his parents proud, and to keep Bob of his case. Bob didn't want to be seen with no one who didn't have a girl. The thing that hurt the most? Randy said he could have any girl in town and without him I never would've had no boyfriends. I drove him home, and then walked to my house. Cherry called the next day, I didn't answer. When Randy stopped me after school he told me he was sorry he said those things and that he'd make it up to me and that us and Cherry and Bob would all go to the Nightly Double, just like old times and they wouldn't do no drinking. But they did.

That's when Cherry and I left Bob's car and met Pony and that other greaser and Two-Bit. In that hour I knew him, Two-Bit made me forget about Randy and pleasing Cherry and being popular. It was just us, you know? But when he asked for my phone number, I remembered everything. I was Randy's girl, and it has to be this way. I could never date a greaser. Do you know what that would do to Cherry's reputation? Or Randy or Bob's? The girls would never understand, not even Cherry. I just feel so bad for hurting Two-Bit. I figured to save myself embarrassment instead of him, just like any of us would. Sometimes I wish I could be better than some stuck up, Soc girl. You dig?

Sincerely,

Marcia


End file.
